Father Ted on the Titanic
by Leader of the Penguins
Summary: FINALLY UPDATED AFTER SEVEN YEARS! It's the year 2005, and Father Ted has decided to escape Craggy Island, and journey to New York on the Titanic. Typically, nothing goes to plan, much to Ted's dismay. Please read and review!
1. Prologue

**PROLOGUE**

_It was the year 2005, and three priests and their housekeeper had escaped_ _to Titanic to head off to America to start a new life. They stowed away in the cargo hold, taking a few of their possessions. Little do they know several other priests and a few bishops are on the ship too._

"Ted!" shouted Father Dougal Maguire, who had come out from a large crate in the cargo hold of the Titanic. The young Irish priest then caught sight of his tank top, which had unravelled and fashioned itself in the shape of a bikini top. "Ahh!"

"What is it?" Ted Crilly, a middle aged priest with grey hair, was helping a seriously drunk Father Jack Hackett out from a crate which contained hundreds of now empty bottles of beer, with the help if their housekeeper, tea-obsessed Mrs Doyle.

"Me tank top has turned into some sort of woman's bra!"

Ted couldn't help but laugh.

"BRAS!" Jack woke up instantly at the word 'bra', a deranged look on his face. "Drink! Feck! Arse!"

Ted sighed. Father Jack was always like this, he was constantly screaming abuse and drinking constantly. He also had a passion for women, or 'Girls!' as he calls them.

The four had escaped from the Hell-hole that was Craggy Island. Craggy Island was a god forsaken island off the coast of Ireland, to the west of Galway. They had managed to escape from Bishop Brennan, or so they thought. They were totally unaware that Brennan was hiding in another crate, spying on them.

"Father Maguire! What on Earth are you wearing?" Mrs Doyle just noticed the form that Dougal's tank top has taken.

"My tanktop's turned into a bra!"

"Oh ... would you like a cup of tea, Fathers?" Mrs Doyle asked, brandishing her tea set.

"Tea? Feck!" Jack shouted, sitting on a rather weak crate which creaked noisily before collapsing under him. Jack got up, muttering, and walked away like a wind up toy. He found a crate full of champagne bottles ("DRINK!") and began to drink them at an alarming rate.

Ted thought about how it all began ...

_"Right!" Ted said, grabbing hold of his Golden Cleric award, three packets of Mayfair cigarettes, money and his jacket. "We're not staying on this feckin' dump any longer!"_

_"How Ted? Where are we goin'?" Dougal looked up from his football magazine, a surprised look on his face._

_"Dunno ..." Ted took a cigarette from one of his packets and lit it._

_"How about ... Mwengwe? His parents are away for the weekend and he's got satellite?" Dougal said, putting down his book._

_"Dougal ... he lives in Addis Ababa ... in Ethiopia," Ted said._

_"Oh right, yes ... how about New York?"_

_Ted thought about it for a moment. "Of course! There's that ship ... Titanic, yes, it leaves Southampton tomorrow at 12 o'clock. Gather your things Dougal, we're going to America!"_

_"Hooray!" Dougal shouted, before he skipped upstairs to pack some of his belongings._

_"Arse!" came Jack's voice from the corner of the room._

_They were going to America ... away from Craggy Island ... and Bishop Brennan. Ted couldn't be happier. It was going to be him, Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle. He couldn't wait. They would have to hide in the cargo hold, but since they were priests, they hoped no-one would dare throw them overboard. _

That's why they left Craggy Island, That's why they were hiding in the cargo hold. This is where the story begins, in the cargo hold of the luxury liner Titanic.


	2. Chapter One

**CHAPTER ONE**

_Ted had fallen asleep, aswell as Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle. In another crate, Bishop Len Brennan is awake, well aware of the other's presence, and that two officers, a Scottish officer and a Welsh officer, are checking the cargo hold for stowaways._

"Shit," Brennan could hear the Scottish officer's voice.

"Harold ... someone said that a few priests were in here," began the Scottish officer. "The person said they were from Ireland, I think."

Bishop Brennan swore once more under his breath. He had no idea someone had seen the others. Perhaps they saw him too.

"Drink!" came a loud voice from one of the crates on the other side of the cargo hold. Father Jack had awoken, and wanted a drink.

"Where did that voice come from?" came the voice of the Welsh officer, his footsteps echoeing on the floor.

Brennan couldn't see what was going on. He stayed silent and alert. If he was caught, what was he going to tell them? He muttered something very rude under his breath and closed his eyes. _It's that fucking Jack Hackett_, Brennan thought, _If he thinks he can escape me and get me into deep shit AND make it out alive ... he's got another thing coming_.

"Drink! Drink! DRINK!" Jack's voice grew louder as the two officers approached his crate cautiously like he was a mad animal. "DRINK! FECK!"

"What the hell is that!" the Welsh officer said, his torch fell to the floor with a loud _clunk_!

"Don't know ... smells awful though. It must be a drunk," concluded the Scottish officer. "But why would there be a drunk priest in the cargo hold?"

Brennan hit his head on the crate's lid with a loud thump. "Bollocks!"

"Did you hear that! There's another one!" the Welsh officer exclaimed. "Will, can you check that one over there?"

Brennan couldn't believe his stupidity as the Scottish officer's footsteps closed in on his crate. He was praying silently under his breath - he always prayed when he was in trouble.

"Open!" shouted the Scottish officer as he slowly prised open the lid of the crate. "Nearly ..."

_CRASH!_

"Gotcha! ...!" the handsome Scottish officer looked at Brennan in shock. _It's true, there is a stowaway bishop_, thought the officer. "Your grace ... why are you hiding in here?"

"Oh ... from -"

"Will, help!" shouted the Welsh officer as Jack punched him angrily, bursting his nose. The Scottish officer ran to help him as Brennan remembered when Jack had punched him in the nose ...

_Ted, Dougal and Jack had unsuccessfully prevented a film being banned on Craggy Island. _The Passion of Saint Tibulus_ became the most popular film ever shown there since _Jurassic Park_, all thanks to the failed protest. Bishop Brennan was furious._

_"Look, there's you," Brennan said to Ted, "there's Forrest Gump," Brennan indicated to a picture of Ted and Dougal on a poster for the film. "And there's Father Jack, actually WATCHING the film! Now there's a turn up for the books."_

_There was a separate picture of Jack with his thumbs up, watching the film. Brennan threw the poster away and began plans to send the three priests elsewhere. Ted was to go to a little island off the coast of Surinam, in South America, and Dougal was to go the Philipines. However, he did not get round to Jack._

_"Jack wake up!" Brennan barked at Father Jack, who was alseep in his chair._

_"Bishop, I wouldn't do that," said Ted._

_"You shut up. Jack, wake up!"_

_Jack woke up and punched Brennan hard in the nose so hard that it began to bleed. Brennan backed onto the sofa._

_"I've got you. I've got you now! Oh my God, if you think this is bad, just wait until you see your new parish! Just wait until you see!" Brennan ran out of the house, his cloak billowing behind him. _

Brennan attempted to head for the exit but the Welsh officer spotted him while restraining Jack, blood still streaming out of his nose. He left Jack with the Scottish officer and grabbed Brennan.

"Right, your grace. You can explain to myself and the captain why your stowing away in the cargo hold. Come on!"

Grumbling, Brennan let the Welsh officer lead him away.

Meanwhile, as the Scottish officer was struggling with Jack, Ted, Dougal and Mrs Doyle woke up in another crate. They could hear Jack scuffle with the officer, but were unaware about what happened to Bishop Brennan.

"Arse!" Jack shouted out as the officer yelled, "Shut the fuck up!"

"Flip!" Dougal said, finally realising what was going on. "We're caught!"

"Quiet Dougal," Ted muttered, as Mrs Doyle poured the priests some cold tea from her teapot.

"Here we are now, tea for everyone." Mrs Doyle said it too loud. The officer had heard her.

"So there's more ... Ah! Charles, Henry, take care of this one. I think he's seriously drunk," the Scottish officer said as two more officers entered the cargo hold.

Ted, Dougal and Mrs Doyle heard footsteps come closer, despite Jack's yelling.

"Drink! Feck! Arse! Drink!"

The officer began to prise open the lid of their crate.

"ARSE BISCUITS!" Jack shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Shut it you!" shouted one of the other officers. An Englishman, this time.

"Don't provoke him Charles!" said the other officer nervously.

"GOTCHA!" the Scottish officer opened the lid of the crate to find Ted, Dougal and Mrs Doyle cowering slightly at the bottom of the crate.

"Oh feck," said Ted, knowing that they were caught and could get thrown overboard.

"You three with me now!" the officer's Scottish accent echoed around the room as the trio climbed slowly out of the crate.

The officer led them past Jack who was being restrained by the other two officers, onto the deck and all the way to the bridge, and into the captain's office where they saw Bishop Brennan and the Welsh officer.

"Ted Crilly!" shouted Brennan.

"Oh feck!" Ted watched the captain enter the room,with anangry look on his face.


	3. Chapter Two

**CHAPTER TWO**

_The gang have been caught in the cargo hold, along with Bishop Brennan, Ted's nemesis. Ted isn't looking forward to the interrogation by the captain. To make matters worse, Father Jack has injured three officers and several stewards, and is being restrained in the cargo hold by chains and handcuffs._

"Okay, Mr Murdoch," the captain spoke to the Scottish officer, "all of them were found in the cargo hold?"

"Yes. Including a really drunk one that smelled of vegetables for some strange reason."

"Vegetables?" interrupted the captain. "Why on God's earth would there be a really old, really drunk priest that smelled of vegetables?"

"Maybe it's got something to do with the rabbits?" Dougal asked Ted.

"What rabbits? You don't have rabbits on the ship ... do you?" Brennan asked nervously. He had always been afraid of rabbits since that day when he was in a lift with twenty or so rabbits. The lift broke down and the rabbits began to nibble his cape and everything.

"Rabbits!" Murdoch looked at the priests suspiciously.

"What? Oh no no no no! we don't have rabbits! That was a long time ago!" Ted insisted. Murdoch didn't seem like he was going to believe Ted.

"Really? All right then ..." Murdoch sounded disappointed. He likes rabbits."So why were you in the cargo hold?"

"'Cause Bishop Brennan's a dirty great fecker!" Dougal insisted.

"What?" roared the bishop, giving Dougal a look of loathing normally reserved for Ted.

"DOUGAL!" Ted hit Dougal over the head. "That is NOT why we're here!"

"Sure it is Ted. You said yesterday that we were goin' to get away from Len and Craggy Island -" Dougal began before Brennan interrupted him.

"Don't call me 'Len' you little prick! I'm a bishop!"

"Oh yes, of course." Dougal said sheepishly, and saw that Murdoch tried to stifle a laugh. "It's not funny!"

"I'm not - ha ha ha - laughing!" Murdoch insisted, but no-one was fooled. Even Dougal wasn't fooled, and he's easy to fool.

"Mr Murdoch calm down!" the captain looked embarrassed. "Right, so the reason you lot were hiding in the cargo hold was because you decided there and then that you would escape to America. Am I right?"

Ted nodded. Dougal smiled, and Mrs Doyle sat fiddling with her teapot. "Yes sir," she said.

"What I don't understand is why Bishop Brennan was in the cargo hold aswell," Ted began. True, Brennan was quite well off, and wouldn't he have a stateroom?

"Ah yes. I have a stateroom in first class -"

"Lucky fecker," Dougal muttered.

"DOUGAL!" ted shouted again. "Continue, your grace."

"Yes well I heard from a few passengers that three priests and their housekeeper were spotted by other passengers sneaking into a crate to be loaded into the cargo hold. I went to investigate, and my suspicions were confirmed." finished Brennan.

"We wouldn't be in this mess if you would let us go back to our original parishes," Ted said gloomy.

"Fat chance," began Brennan. "Do you think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish, after the wedding he did in Athlone?"

"Yes, but surely," Ted lowered his voice, "but surely I'm alright?"

"No no no. You are in Craggy Island until all of that money is accounted for."

"I don't know what happened to that money -" Ted insisted.

"SILENCE! You went to Las Vegas ... whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes!"

Murdoch sniggered as Brennan rounded on Dougal.

"And as for this ... cabbage!" Murdoch burst out laughing and Brennan glared at him before continuing,"The idea of letting him go back to the real world ... after the Black Rock Incident -"

"That was unfortunate," said Ted, trying to cover for Dougal.

"The number of people's lives irreperably damaged -"

"They were only nuns," Dougal said.

Murdoch burst out laughing again.

"Nuns are people too," he said to Dougal before speaking to everyone in the room, "God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved. I do not want to talk about it!"

"Okay then," said Murdoch once he had composed himself. "It all fits. What'll we do about the stoways. I mean, they are priests ..."

"Yes, I am aware of that Mr Murdoch. And I must say, I DO hope you show some more maturity." the captain implied.

"Yes sir," said Murdoch looking ashamed of himself.

"Now, what to do with this lot, and the other priest," began the captain.

Ted, Dougal and Mrs Doyle waited for their fate to be decided by the captain and Murdoch.


	4. Chapter Three

**CHAPTER THREE**

_The captain and First Officer Murdoch decided to let everyone stay aboard the _Titanic_. Ted, Dougal, Jack (Ted pleaded with the Master-at-Arms to let him go), Mrs Doyle, Murdoch and several other priests were celebrating in an unused first class stateroom, which now belonged to the three priests and their housekeeper._

"Tea for everyone!" Mrs Doyle announced, carrying a tray with a teapot and several teacups.

"Tea? Feck!" shouted Jack huffily from an armchair in a corner of the room. He began to gulp down a bottle of Tennents Lager, much to Ted's disgust. Ted really didn't approve of Jack's constant drinking.

"Well, Mr Murdoch, will you have a cup of tea?" Mrs Doyle held out a cup of tea for Murdoch.

"No thanks Mrs Doyle. I'm not thirsty," Murdoch politely declined.

Mrs Doyle, however, was determined that Murdoch was to get a cup. "Sure you will."

"No, but thanks anyway," Murdoch made to walk away but the stare Mrs Doyle was giving him made him stay on the spot.

"Go on. Have a cup. Everyone else is having a cup. Would you not have one yourself?" This wasn't entirely true, because Ted, some of the other priests, and of course, Jack weren't drinking any tea.

"I said no thank you Mrs Doyle," Murdoch was feeling slightly annoyed.

"Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, GO ON!"

Murdoch hastily took the cup of tea and drank half of the cup in one gulp. He stared at her like she was a weird alien or something as she offered a cup to another priest. "Bloody hell," he said to himself.

Meanwhile, Ted was trying to persuade Jack to put the drinking on hold until they got to America.

"Now Father," Ted began, "How about we all make a sacrifice?"

Jack stopped drinking to look at Ted, who backed away slowly. Ted didn't know what Jack was going to do, and he didn't want to find out.

"Sacrifice! Arse!" Jack roared. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to stare at Jack.

Murdoch took this moment to pour the rest of the tea into a nearby plant pot. He hoped Mrs Doyle wouldn't notice. He really didn't want to irritate her. In fact, he slipped away into the corridor and headed for the Officer's Quarters. "I hope James isn't playing that bloody PlayStation 2 again," he muttered as he closed the door behind him.

"Now Father, come on!" Ted yelled at Jack and grabbed the near-emptycan of lager from Jack's hand, much to Jack's annoyance. Jack punched Ted in the face, leaving Ted sprawled on the floor. But Jack wasn't going to stop there. He actually went and sat on Ted!

"I can't breathe!" Ted managed to yell. He caught sight of Dougal and shouted to him,"Dougal put on that music!"

"What?" Dougal shouted back, rather uneccessarily as no one else was talking or shouting.

"Put on that music that makes Father Jack stand up!"

Dougal plugged in their CD player, and Dougal put on a CD. The French National anthem _La Marseillaise_ blared throughout the stateroom. Incredibly, Jack stood up and urged the others to stand up too.

"Sing! Sing!" Jack yelled. The priests began to sing somewhat out of tune and garbled.

Ted decided that now would be the best time to grab all of the bottles and cans of alcoholic drinks, take them to the promenade deck that they had, open the window, and throw all of them out of the window. They landed in the sea with a splash.

"Drink! Drink! DRINK!" the music had stopped, and Jack wanted a drink. He couldn't find anything. "Drink! DRINK! DRINK!" Jack was getting more frantic as he couldn't get his hands on a single bottle, can or glass.

"Oh, you won't find anything there Father," Ted practically waltzed into the room looking pleased with himself. Jack, on the other hand, was ripping the armchair and dismantling it, trying to find a drink. "I've hidden them somewhere very safe."

"Where!" Jack questioned, and he stumbled out of the room, with a few brave priests following him.

"Where did you hide them Ted?" Dougal asked.

Ted chuckled to himself. "In the sea."

"Oh ho. Poor Jack," Dougal said matter-of-factly. "He won't like that."

"Didn't think so, but I suppose -"

"TED!" another young priest came bounding over to Ted and Dougal, having just escaped Mrs Doyle offering them some tea. An older priest making monkey noises was with the young priest.

"Oh God," Ted muttered to himself.

"How are you? My God, this is grand isn't it! Have you been to the bridge yet?"

"Noel, how are you?" Ted asked politely.

"Fine fine. Father Fay's been up to his old tricks again, haven't you Father?" Noel indicated to the older priest making the monkey noises.

"Ah, Father Fay!" Ted's attitude brightened immediately. "How are you?"

"Oo oo ee eh eh oh," said Fay, hence his nickname, 'The Monkey Priest'.

"Ah grand. Are you enjoying the ship?"

"Oh ee ee oh ... oo eh eh oo oo ah ah."

"Great," said Ted as Murdoch came in, sporting a burst lip and a bruise on his left cheek.

"Officer Murdoch!" Ted noticed Murdoch's slight injuries and rushed over to him. "Are you okay? What happened!"

Murdoch sighed. "It's Father Jack ..."

"Oh God ..." Ted moaned. "Not again!"

"He's gone ballistic and he keep shouting 'Drink! Drink!' at the top of his lungs. Myself and Second Officer Lightoller tried to restain him ... but as you can see ..."

"Dougal!" Ted yelled towards Dougal, who was chatting away to Noel and Father Fay.

"What Ted?" Dougal skipped towards them.

"Come with us. Jack's gone mad!" Ted grabbed Dougal by the shoulder and all three of them ran off to find Jack.


	5. Chapter Four

**CHAPTER FOUR**

_They found Father Jack going on a rampage. Luckily, everything is okay, and the tired preists have returned to their beds. Glad that eveything wasn't as bad as they thought it would be, the two priests decide on the next plan of action._

"God Ted, how did Officer Murdoch manage to catch Jack?" Dougal asked, skipping to his bed wearing his Republic of Ireland football top.

"Well Dougal, Jack is an elderly priest, running around slowly on a ship in the middle of the sea with about fifty crewmen coming at him from all directions. I mean, how hard can it be?" Ted replied, climbing into his bed which was next to Dougal's bed.

"Oh right, yeah."

"So, what do you think of the Titanic?" Ted asked, taking out a newspaper.

"It's big, isn't it? I heard there was a beast roaming around."

Dougal said that last sentence so casually Ted looked up from his newspaper and gave Dougal a weird stare. "A_ beast_?"

"Yeah," began Dougal, eyes wide. "I heard some young fellas talking about it."

"Really?"

"They say it's as big as four cats, and it's got a retractable leg so it can leap up you better. And, do you know what Ted? It lights up at night, and it has four ears. Two are for listening, and the other two are like back-up ears. It's claws are as big as cups, and for some reason it has a tremendous fear of stamps."

Ted didn't know what to think, but looked at Dougal like he was a really demented escaped mental patient.

"That young fella was telling me that it's got magnets on it's tail, so if you're made out of metal, it can attach itself to you. And, instead of a mouth, it has four arses."

"Dougal!" Ted had to stop Dougal from reciting any more rubbish that the person had told him. "It doesn't exist!"

"Oh yeah? Like the way that Sephiroth guy doesn't exist?"

"Dougal,Sephiroth does not exist! He's a computer game character!I'm sorry but, you have to addhis nameto the list!" Ted inisisted, taking a huge sheet of paper with writing scrawled on it and looked at it.

Entries such as The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader and Magnum P.I were on the list. Ted handed the list toDougal, who scribbled down Sephiroth and Titanic Beast, and rolled the list back up.

"God Almighty Dougal! Not another word about the beast to anyone else!" Ted said sternly, before returning his gaze to the newspaper.

"... Yes ... right ..." said Dougal, although rather guiltily. He had already told Officer Murdoch, and a younger officer named James Moody about the beast. Dougal thought it would be best not to tell Ted that.

Dougal then slipped into a peacful sleep, whereas Ted just read the paper, until he realised he needed to have a cigarette.

"Oh feck," he said, getting up. He rummaged around in his coat pocket and didn't any. "Damn ..."

"Give us a D please Bob ... ... Dinosaur ..." Dougal muttered in his sleep. "C please Bob ... ... Carnivorous."

"Oh no," moaned Ted, finally finding a packet on the table in the bedroom.

"L please Bob," continued Dougal.

"Not _Blockbusters_ again!"

"... ... Lemonade ..."

Ted walked out of the room, and decided to up on deck. He walked along the silent hallways, trying to light his cigarette, but his lighter was running out of lighter fuel. He was so busy trying to light his cigarette that he didn't notice Officer Murdoch was walking in his direction. So, naturally, Ted walked straight into him.

"Oh feck!" Ted shouted carelessly as he dropped the lighter.

Murdoch bent down and picked the lighter up for Ted. "You should watch where you're going Father."

"What? ... Oh it's you Officer." Ted muttered, taking the lighter from the tired looking officer. "Do you have anything a lighter or a match, or anything?"

"Nope. Don't smoke." replied Murdoch curtly. "It's obvious you do."

"I was going to go on deck and smoke it." Ted carefully placed his unlit cigarette and his lighter in his pocket.

"Hmm, I'll join you then. I'm off duty anyway," said Murdoch casually.

Ted nodded as the two of them headed for the stairs that would take them to the boat deck.

"So, Father," began Murdoch, taking of his hat. "Young Father Dougal was telling me that there was a beast on this ship."

Ted grimaced. "... I told him it doesn't exist."

"Yeah, all the officers know. Any idea how it started?"

"Not sure. But there once was a legend going around Craggy Island that there was a beast. Perhaps Dougal's confusing memories with real life or something." Ted said thoughtfully.

"... Four arses ... God, I don't think I'll forget that quickly ..." Murdoch laughed as the fresh night air hit them as they walked onto the deck. "So, is Dougal always as silly and forgetful?"

Ted thought for a moment, remembering one particular incident.

Three bishops were coming to the Craggy Island Parochial house to stay with Ted, Dougal and Jack while they upgraded the Holy Stone of Clonrichert to a class 2 relic. Unfortunately, Dougal didn't quite know what bishops were supposed to do.

_"Cheer up Ted. It may never happen," Dougal said calmly once he had heard the news._

_"Well it is happening. They're definitely coming." said Ted._

_"Oh right, yeah. Well, who cares anyway? I mean, they come in, they srtip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?"_

_Ted looked at Dougal like he was a complete and utter idoit with half a brain cell. "Dougal, they're bishops!"_

_" ... Oh, right, yes ..." said Dougal._

_"Dougal, what is this confusion you have about bishops? Do you actually understand what they actually do? Nothing to do with fumigating houses or anything like that at all! Have you got that?" Ted explained to Dougal exasperately._

_"Got it." said Dougal, letting Ted know that he understood. _

"There was one time Dougal thought that bishops fumigated houses," Ted said, to which Murdoch burst out laughing.

"No way!" he managed to say, trying to stifle his laughter.

"Oh yes, he's quite stupid. God only knows about how Dougal managed to make it as a priest." Ted said once Murdoch had stopped laughing.

"I see, well Father, I have to -"

Murdoch was cut off by the sound of a woman's scream. Glancing at each other, the two ran towards the stern of the ship, where the woman's scream came from.

"What the Hell is going on!" Murdoch looked positively terrified when he saw the scene.

"Oh God ..." Ted moaned.

Father Jack had taken to his nasty night-time habit - sleepwalking nude. He had cornered a young woman and what appeared to be her fiance. The man was shouting at Jack, whilst trying to keep his eyes covered.

It was going to be a long night for Ted and Officer Murdoch.


	6. Chapter Five

**CHAPTER FIVE**

_Ted was assissting the officers in restraining Jack when Bishop Brennan swooped upon them, his face glowing with fury. Ted knew fine well that he wasn't going to hear the end of this, much like the Lourdes thing._

"Crilly!" Brennan bellowed, pulling Ted off of Jack, allowing Murdoch and a couple of crewmen and officers to pin him down onto the deck.

"Ah, Bishop Brennan! We ... uh, well ..." Ted was clearly stalling. "Such a lovely night, isn't it?"

"Nude sleepwalking again!" Brennan indicated towards Jack, who had several blankets thrown on top of him in attempt to cover him up. "I have had it!"

Ted laughed nervously, which seemed to make Brennan madder.

"Do you think this is funny, especially after last time?" Brennan fumed, trying to straighten himself up.

"Ooooh, what happened?"

Murdoch was joined by a taller officer, who was sporting several bruises and a small cut to his lip. It was the taller officer who was curious, being a man of mischief himself, and was always looking for inspiration.

"Uh, this is Second Officer Charles Lightoller," Murdoch began. "As you can see, scuffling with Jack hasn't done him any favours."

Ted shook Lightoller's hand, who smiled politely before turning to Brennan, "Come on, out with it!"

"That is the way you talk to a Bishop?" Brennan asked, outraged.

"Whoops!" Lightoller laughed. "What happened ... Your Grace? ... Is that right?"

Ted and Murdoch nodded. Brennan wasn't for revealing anything, so Ted decided to step in and tell the officers about the last time Bishop Brennan appeared at the Parochial House regarding Jack's sleepwalking ...

_Brennan had woken up that night in the guest room of the Parochial House, disturbed by a sudden stirring. Sitting up, he looked all around himself, terrified to see at least twenty rabbits in the room, all over his bed and on the furniture._

_He seen Ted and Dougal standing in front of them, each carrying rabbits themselves. The situation worsened when he could feel movement beside him, and was absolutely horrified to see Father Jack wake up next to him, completely naked._

_The two stared at each other, and then Ted, who had to think fast._

_"Just a bad dream, Your Grace. Over in a mo."_

_Brennan accepted Ted's words and lay back down in bed and closed his eyes. As did Jack. However, Brennan 'woke up' seconds later screaming at the top of his lungs._

Lightoller roared with laughter, slapping Brennan on the back. "Tough luck there, old chap!"

Now it was Brennan's time to roar. "You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!"

"Why don't you then?" Lightoller pointed out, while Murdoch sniggered. Murdoch didn't really like Brennan's pompous attitude, and was relishing Lightoller's behaviour.

Bishop Brennan was stunned by Lightoller's apparent lack of respect, not realising that Lightoller had a point about being addressed properly. Brennan seen things either his way, or no way at all.

"Right, Mr Murdoch, what'll we do with him?" Another officer had appeared this time, though he was much younger than Murdoch and Lightoller.

"Put him in with Father Ted, only this time, tie him up much tighter, Mr Moody," Murdoch suggested.

"Yes, sir," Moody said brightly as he swanned back to Jack to inform the other crew of Murdoch's plans.

"EXCUSE ME!" The first class gentleman had listened to enough for one evening, and wanted answers.

"Ah, Mr Hockley, our sincere apologies to you about Father Jack, there," Murdoch said, sounding a bit too cheerful.

"You think this is a joke?" Cal asked, clearly outraged by the lack of concern shown by the officer.

"Cal, leave it! I'm fine, honestly," Cal's fiancee insisted, trying to pull him away.

"You sure Miss DeWitt Bukater?" Murdoch asked, showing genuine concern for her, unlike Cal.

Rose nodded. "Yes, thank you Officer Murdoch."

"Hmph! We'd best be off!" Cal glared at them before escorting his fiancee back to their room.

"I hate that guy," Lightoller said with a grin that was reflected on Murdoch's face.

"I'll be heading back," Ted concluded, as the crew started to drag a now knocked-out Jack along the deck. It took ten full-grown men to move him. "Goodnight gentlemen, Your Grace."

"Goodnight Father," the officers chorused, whereas Brennan merely stormed off.

Reaching his stateroom, Ted found Dougal had gotten into his art kit, and was wearing glue, sequins and glitter all over his face, never mind his top and pj bottoms.

"God, Dougal! I thought you were sleeping!"

"I was," Dougal began, gluing a pink star to the sheet of card. "It's too quiet without Jack."

"They're bringing him up. Apparently, he escaped the cargo hold so we need to keep an eye on him. Did I mention he was nude sleepwalking again?"

Dougal was amused. "Oh, wow! Brilliant!"

"No, no it's not brilliant Dougal!" Ted insisted, swiping the glue before Dougal got it all over the carpet. "Bishop Brennan was there, he seen everything!"

"Ah, Ted, you always worry over nothing!" Dougal said calmly, looking around for the glue, unaware that Ted had thrown it in the bin.

"It's not nothing, Dougal! This is serious."

"Can't we just throw him overboard?" Dougal asked, pulling the seat cushions off the couch.

Ted laughed. "I've thought about it."

There was a knock at the door, so Ted answered it to find Officer Moody out of breath, and sweating profusely.

"W-Where ... Where do you want him?" He gasped, stumbling into the room and leaning on the TV for support.

"In the spare room there," Ted pointed to the room opposite the one he shared with Dougal.

"All right lads, in that room there!" Moody ordered, as the remaining nine men hauled Jack into the room. "Remember and tie him up real tight!"

"Are you alright Officer?" Ted asked, as Dougal fished the glue out of the bin.

"Aha! Ted, how's the glue get in there?" Dougal asked, looking confused.

Ted shrugged. "Dunno, magic or something."

Moody took one look at Dougal and started laughing. "He's worse than a child!"

"Don't remind me," Ted muttered. "You going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll just oversee the men through there and then we'll be off Father," Moody said, clutching his side as he walked into the room.

Ted slumped onto the chair next to the couch and sighed to himself. What a trip this was turning out to be, indeed!


End file.
